@a_simpl_man

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

@a_simpl_man

Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife:

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

@a_simpl_man

Gummy bears are just regular bears without teeth. Don’t Google it, you know it’s true.

@a_simpl_man

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

@a_simpl_man

I called the plumbers to see what’s taking so long. They said something about having to set a princess free before they can come.

@a_simpl_man

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

@a_simpl_man

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.