The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Duck typos.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.