The USS B port
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.