I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: