Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.