My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s