My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha