At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?