The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption