ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men