In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.