Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king