Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse