Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Sending in my taxes
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong