My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month