Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
huge if true: the moon
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 馃檨
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Cow it started Cow it鈥檚 going
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I shouldn鈥檛 repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Therapist: So you鈥檙e sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[funeral]
I鈥檒l never forget dad鈥檚 last words: It鈥檚 way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?