Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts