The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.