Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream