me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.