Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people