Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.