when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
thanksgiving in nutshell
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
do what now??
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy