WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I have two kinds of followers
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
At an art museum and I thought this was art
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?