Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro