True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15