one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers