I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”