spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
about to have the best blueberries of my life
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
