Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever