what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
is this how new cars are made??
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
💁🏻♂️
