damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
somewhere, in an alternate universe
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
what my late-night hot pocket sees
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
everyone has that one prude friend