my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
what my late-night hot pocket sees
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
everyone has that one prude friend
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
what are they serving at kfc then???
“our sushi is very fresh”
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“and how does that make you feel?”
dads on road-trips be like
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
