Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,