Me buying fruit and veg
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
October already? What’s next? November????
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat