[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Thursday
good work, everybody
No, I don’t think I will.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets