@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

@adamrensch

*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*

@adamrensch

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

@adamrensch

*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.