When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Storm Tropical Storm
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo