WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting