When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
it was a valiant fight
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving