Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear