Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄