Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!