I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Sending in my taxes
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
BETRAYAL
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding