Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.