My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
You Might Also Like
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?