Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.