I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it