@aksorojas: sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
@aksorojas: fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
@aksorojas: fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
@aksorojas: "Yeah, and she's not breathing. Should I call someone?"
"Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she's not breathing."
@aksorojas: I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
@aksorojas: I'm reading an article entitled "Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die" and I'm disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
@aksorojas: I'm scared of buying an iPhone X cos there's a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt's and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
@aksorojas: I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there's not enough balloons for everyone.