[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.