If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My kitchen overserved me.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.