Somebody’s lying.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.