her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”